This month I invited one of our bereavement coordinators, Donna Steiner, to share some of her wisdom about grief, particularly as it relates to how men grieve.
Conventional wisdom about grief alleges that in order to heal from a loss, one must acknowledge it, talk about it and allow for the expression of a wide range of emotions that reflect the impact of the death. It is said that upon completion of these three aforementioned tasks, then resolution, acceptance and adaptation to the loss should occur. Men don’t always follow this protocol.
Men definitely grieve but they may do it in a way that doesn’t resemble “traditional” grieving. Women are often referred to as “intuitive” grievers, implying that they are open to talking about their loss and the many feelings it evokes. They are comfortable crying and acknowledging feelings such as anger, guilt, fear, loneliness, etc. Men, on the other hand, are often described as “instrumental” grievers meaning that they prefer to ponder their loss in private and then engage in an activity that helps them work through and cope with the dimensions of the loss.
On one hand, our culture discourages men from openly emoting while on the other, men are often judged for not expressing their feelings and may find themselves in a “double bind” situation. Although a man’s way of processing his loss may be less visible and more subtle than a woman’s, this does not mean that he is not grieving or that he has not been profoundly affected by the death. He may prefer time alone to ponder this life changing event, to focus more on how his loss impacts the future rather than reflecting on the past and to discover ways to connect with his pain through actions he can take.
Because many men do not openly acknowledge painful emotions, friends, coworkers and family may fail to recognize the full extent of their loss. These “disenfranchised” grievers may feel isolated and misunderstood and even more determined to keep their feelings to themselves. If a man has been taught from a young age that “big boys don’t cry”, he is often ashamed when a tear surfaces. Men need a safe place to acknowledge their loss or a trusted person to share with who isn’t intimidated by expressions of grief. Holding in painful emotions is hard on the body and may result in physical illness or a decline in emotional well-being. Men need to find other men to talk with. They need to feel validated and understood without regard to social expectations. Support groups that are open to both men and women are usually not a viable option for most men. Lutheran Home Care & Hospice has recognized the need for a “by men and for men” activity that provides an opportunity for men grieving the death of their spouse to come together for fellowship and mutual support. Hosted by the hospice chaplain and several male hospice volunteers, the “Bereaved Men’s Breakfast Group” meets on the second Saturday of each month at Main Street Deli (177 South Main Street, Chambersburg) at 8:30 am for breakfast and fellowship. There is no charge to attend, but everyone is responsible for the cost of their own meal. All widowers in the community are invited to participate. Please call 717-217-3545 with questions or to reserve a seat.
T.S. Elliot once said “Grief shared is grief diminished”. Hopefully, participation in a venue such as the Bereaved Men’s Breakfast Group will enable bereaved men to feel less isolated and better understood as they learn to adapt to their changed world.
Donna Steiner is a bereavement coordinator for Lutheran Home Care & Hospice, a ministry of Lutheran Social Services. Contact her at 717-217-3545 for more information about the Bereaved Men’s Breakfast Group and the many additional types of grief support that are provided to anyone in our community at no charge. Visit lutheranhomecare.org. LIKE us on Facebook!
